Friday 18 May 2012

Piranha 3DD - Twice the terror, double the D's

The title and the tag line pretty much tells you all you need to know about this film. Yes, it's about piranhas. Yes, there's lots of boobs on show. Is it actually any good? It depends on what you want from a film like this.

I shit you not, these are the actual lifeguards in the film


If you go into this expecting some sort of Jaws type classic fish tale then you'll be sadly disappointed. I'm guessing that the majority of people who are interested in this film will have seen, or at least be familiar with, Piranha 3D. If that is the case then you'll know exactly what to expect from this film. It's a straightforward sequel that carries on in exactly the same vein as it's predecessor. There's gore, there's breasts (and lots of them) and there's enough cheese to give Mickey Mouse an erection. The good thing is that the film knows exactly what it is, who it's target market is and is unashamed in what it's main attractions are. The film doesn't pretend to be something else; it's an over the top, bloody, cringe worthy, simple film that pushes it's boobs together at you like a bad low rent porn star that you could imagine Ron Jeremy decimating. If that type of film is up your alley then this is for you.

The basic premise of the film is that the hungry, hungry fishies from the first film are back... and this time they're heading towards a water park. The park is part owned by David Koechner (best known as Champ Kind in Anchorman and numerous other parts) and his step daughter, played by Danielle Panabaker (of Friday 13th and The Crazies updated remakes fame). The step father character is the money hound that is looking to open the water park purely to make a quick buck, regardless of safety fears. The step daughter is on the flip side, cautious of any and all risks that come with the park, and the one who becomes aware of the possible piranha threat.

"Honestly, I've not followed through, I swear."


The piranhas themselves are bigger and badder in this one. Christopher Lloyd (yep, he's back) ascertains that the deadly fish are now able to break through steel due to sheer persistence and appetite - that's some hungry fish. He demonstrates this by tempting a piranha with a frog. Poor Kermit.

The piranhas are attracted by activity in the water, meaning that a water park that is sourced directly, and illegally, from a lake is most definitely on their radar. Throw in a cast of typical teens - the jock, the geek, the virgin, the rampant one, the unassuming hero and several generic, faceless others - and you have your film. Well, that and a few, dare I say it, big cameos from Gary Busey, Ving Rhames and David Hasselhoff. Gary Busey takes on a similar role to Richard Dreyfuss' in the previous film, that of the opening scene fodder. Ving Rhames picks up his role from Piranha 3D despite being seemingly turned to fish food in that - this time with his legs missing. Then there's The Hoff. The Hoff plays, well, The Hoff. He plays a parody of himself, being The Hoff and scraping the barrel for a few dollars by being the 'special guest' at the water park, The Big Wet's, grand opening. There's a lot of Hoff magic throughout the film and he plays the drunken, past it, self obsessed ladies man to perfection. If anyone's seen his drunken burger eating antics or heard about his 25 year younger girlfriends then you'll know what I mean. If not then I suggest you become acquainted with Google and YouTube. In fact, just search for 'The Hoff Burger' on any of the aforementioned sites. No need to thank me - I'm good like that.

"Did somebody say my Big Mac's arrived?"


Unsurprisingly, the savage fish make their way into the water park and reek havoc on anyone that gets in their way, be it man, woman or child. Whilst the action itself is direct, to the point and gorey, it somehow feels a little lacking in it's longevity. The film itself runs at just over 1 hour and 20 minutes, with the build up being a lot longer than the pay off. The first act focuses on introducing the characters, then the film starts to flesh out the piranha mythos with the cast becoming aware of the possible threat and seeking advice from crazy old Christopher Lloyd. The third and final act arrives as expected, it just falls a little... flat. The actual action itself isn't the problem, with people being gnawed at left, right, centre and on the Cooch-Cam (watch the film to find out what this is - it mainly involves close ups of various women's 'love tunnels'). The problem is that when the big attack on the water park arrives it's just too short. Obviously there's the whole logical point to get over, as in if the fish are in the pool parts of the water park then just get out of the water. In fairness, a lot of people do this and that partially adds to the short attack time. Rational thinking in a horror film, who'd have thunk it?! Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of illogical acts throughout the majority of the film - including one poor soul topping Jerry O'Connell's mauled penis from the first film. All I'm saying is that there's a scene that will have any man, or overly sensitive woman for that matter, crossing their legs and giving the slightest wince of pain. I'm still haunted by flashbacks now and I saw the film on opening night last week.

All in all the film is going to attract the audience that this kind of films is always going to attract. If you like your films to have a major dose of trashy, a smidgen of cheese, a large dollop of gore and a hefty scoop of inflated, bouncy chests then this is for you. As a throw away 80 minutes of your life, it's fine. If you want any more than that, or you have an aversion to breasts, then I'd suggest that you give this a wide birth and go and see some more wholesome film. For me, this was pure, unadulterated, over the top cinema in a way that only a Hollywood B movie could capture. It's the mix of shitter than shit, the inclusion of once were famous Hollywood names, and the gloss of a studio picture that makes this a much watch for me. It's rare that a film like this gets a cinema release these days, which is why I'll keep going and watching the Piranha franchise as long as these films keep getting churned out.