The Haunting of Whaley House

The Haunting of Whaley House is set up as an atmospheric, tense supernatural tale. The story focuses on the house referenced in the title. The Whaley House is a real building, located in San Diego. It was home to Thomas Whaley and several generations of his family. The house is apparently haunted by the Whaley family and has been recognised officially by the US Commerce Department as one of only two haunted houses in California, and the most haunted house in the whole of the USA. All in all, it sounds like a pretty freaky place then.

I'm pretty sure this cover borrows just a tad from  Identity

The film's opening scene introduces you to the house, courtesy of a few curious teens. The story quickly turns it's attention to the ghostly tours that guests can go on during the day, focusing on a young member of staff, Penny (played by the effortlessly stunning Stephanie Greco). Penny is a non believer of all things that go bump in the night. She works as a tour guide at the property, regaling visitors with the history of the house and it's former inhabitants, so that she can pay her way through medical school. Whilst carrying out one of her routine tours, a visitor gets freaked out and suddenly has a seizure. The house is promptly closed up for the day, with Penny's seasoned co-worker, Bethany (played by genre veteran, Lynn Lowry - she of Shivers, Cat People, and The Crazies fame), giving her some sage advice on respecting the house and the spirits that rest within. We then swiftly cut to later that day, with Penny, her boyfriend, and three of her friends discussing the spooky, old house. One of her friends, Craig (Graham Denman), suggests that the friends all spend the night at the property, seeing it as a perk of Penny's job. Of course, as ever the case with films of this ilk, they end up persuading Penny to get them access to the house. Craig also brings along his 'cousin', who just happens to have all of the usual ghost hunting weapons of choice, such as EVP recorders, digital temperature readers, electricity field meters, yada, yada, yada. Craig's cousin happens to also bring along a television psychic, Keith Drummond (Howard McNair).  From here on in, the film gets to the meat of it's story.

The actual Whaley House

Within a matter of minutes, the strange noises start and the film heads in the direction you'd expect. The cast are mainly forgettable, the scares predictable. One major gripe of mine is the score, particularly when in relation to the scares. The score seems to be slapping you in the face, letting you know when you should be scared. Discreet and subtle, it is not. Whilst the characters are forgettable, the acting is fairly solid across the board, barring McNair's Derek Acorah style psychic. His performance is woeful. His staggered, unstructured delivery is painful to watch and is an instant turn off. I genuinely cannot think of a worse performance in recent memory, not even so bad it's good, not even so bad it's funny - just simply bad. So simply bad it's as simply bad as Simply Red. That's not where the shortcomings end though, unfortunately. The editing of the piece is also all over the place, lacking continuity massively at times, the cuts just badly timed and taking any emotion away from the film. As with the score, the spirits also seem a little overdone and a bit too loud and proud. They're shown often and firmly in sight of the viewer. There's no suspenseful reveals, no vaguely shot ghostly goings on. The spirits are just there, as clear as the victims of the piece, and rammed down your throat.

Make a note, this is one of the only times I'll ever say the use of boobs was totally unwarranted

Whilst it seems I'm completely down on the film, it wasn't without it's charms. As mentioned above, the acting is generally solid across the board, just McNair's performance standing out a mile for it's sheer awfulness. The rest of the actors fill their roles well, it's just that most of the characters are instantly forgettable. The shooting of the film is nicely done, with the colour scheme nicely played throughout - it's just let down by the editing. One big plus for me, is, being a big Shivers fan, it's always nice to see Lynn Lowry make an appearance on the big or small screen. She's had several hiatuses over the years, but I always keep an eye out for her as Shivers has stuck with me since I first saw it way back when.

Always a treat to see Lynn Lowry

All in all, the film will have a certain appeal to fans of the genre; to the casual fan, not so much so. The passing fan will likely just see this as a generic horror piece, predictable scares, bland cast, the usual haunted house formula. Fans of horror will find some redeeming features in the film, and it does have several, but it's not going to set the world alight. I'd give The Haunting of Whaley House a firm 2 spooks out of 5.

The Shrine

The Shrine is a film that has been floating around for a few years now but only got a UK release in February of this year. The basic premise is that an American tourist, Eric Taylor, goes missing whilst travelling across Europe, Poland to be precise, and nobody knows what has happened to him. The Polish police aren't very helpful and the American police are too busy to spare the man power to look into the case in any depth. The case is picked up by a reporter back in Eric's hometown. The opening few scenes suggest that the reporter, Carmen (Cindy Sampson), is in the middle of a career slump and needs a big story to help her get 'back in the game'. She goes to her boss with the story but he tells her to leave it alone and to focus on a local story involving bees. Being the brash, aggressive, 'eyes on the prize' type, Carmen completely ignores her boss. This is merely one of numerous mistakes that she makes throughout the film. It's established early on in the film that Carmen has a slightly strained relationship with her boyfriend, Marcus (Smallville's very own Jimmy Olsen, Aaron Ashmore - not to be confused with X-Men's Iceman, Shawn Ashmore). She doesn't seem to have time for him, acts on a whim and seems to be mainly focused on whatever benefits her.

That stain's gonna be a bitch to get out - where's the Vanish?

After meeting Eric's mother, Carmen borrows Eric's diary - his luggage having been returned home - and finds out his last recorded steps. This leads to a small, primitive Polish town that literally has a dark cloud hanging over it. The locals are depicted as basic, aggressive, secretive and wary of 'outsiders'. It's established that only a few of the locals, mainly the children, speak English. It's also established that the villagers aren't afraid of making visitors aware that they are not welcome. Carmen has managed to convince Marcus, conveniently a photographer, and Sara, an intern at the newspaper, to fly to Poland with her to get the real story on what happened to Eric. Following Eric's last steps, the group come across a large cloud that constantly floats above the woods. This is basically the last thing Eric saw, meaning that they go into the woods for a further inspection. The cloud is thick, dark and gives no visibility. Marcus holds back from going into the cloud, whereas the girls let their curiosity get the better of them and both go in, one by one, for a closer look. Once inside the cloud, the girls can see nothing at all until they individually come across a creepy looking statue. Sara is the first to find her way out of the cloud, followed by Carmen. The unhappy locals then turn up and a chase ensues. The film then gets into familiar territory, with the protagonists getting captured and tortured. The film then takes a largely refreshing change of pace and tone, with the real story becoming clear.

Carmen, Marcus and Sara - the 'victims'

I wasn't expecting much from The Shrine, but I was pleasantly surprised. Whilst it's not going to change the face of the horror genre, it is great little feature. It has some familiar plot points and some familiar characters but it manages to do something different with them than so many other films do. There's a sense of predictability during the most part of the film, then it changes things up and shows influences from the likes of The Wicker Man, The Exorcist and Sam Raimi. I was expecting the usual, standard, throwaway horror. Instead I got a genuinely freaky film with some standout moments. The one big gripe I did have was with the main lead, Carmen. She comes across as obnoxious, selfish, annoying, uncaring and insincere - not the traits I'd normally look for to get sympathy and concern for the supposed victim of the piece. Still, there's Aaron Ashmore to cheer for, and he does a good job as the more logical, rational and 'everyman' type. The rest of the characters are fine for what they are, with a nice appearance from Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer's Trevor Matthews as one of the villagers. The Polish spoken seems a little off to me, but I'm no expert in that and it's likely down to the fact that most of the villagers aren't actually played by Polish actors.

All in all, I'd say to give this film a chance if you're at a loose end one night. You just might be surprised by the not so formulaic twists and turns.

Not winning...

Documenting The Grey Man

The first thing that grabbed me about this film, as with so many films of a similar nature, was the DVD cover art. It depicted a young girl, back arched, floating above her bed. It was an instantly creepy image and definitely piqued my interest. Maybe I'm just a sucker that gets easily drawn in by shock imagery.

Wouldn't fancy my chances against her in a limbo competition

The basic premise surrounds a South Carolina legend called The Grey Man. The Grey Man is a spirit that appears on the beach to warn the locals when a hurricane is on it's way - think Michael Fish but without the 'tache and glasses. As well as haunting the beaches, a local family claim that he haunts their family home. The film starts off with a documentary crew discussing The Grey Man. They are just a normal group of filmmakers but decide that they are going to pose as ghost hunters and investigate the spooky goings on. They plan to film their documentary in two parts; one where they purposely stage haunted events and one where they reveal the tricks they used to convince people of the ghostly occurences. They go in with the logic that the legend of The Grey Man is a myth, merely an urban legend. They want to expose how easy it is for the ghost hunters of the world to fake spooky goings on. The film is shot in the handheld, found footage style of predecessors such as The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, Cloverfield, Pamela & Tommy Lee, et al, with the cameras being on throughout the entirity of the teams' adventure.

The film starts slow, with the crew interviewing a few locals about The Grey Man. From there they move on to the house in question, a large, isolated, rural property way out in the sticks. Here you get introduced to the family, the Simms', that are apparently haunted by the spirit. There's the concerned and open wife, there's the private, non-believing, distant husband, and then there's the slightly creepy daughter. The house also has a Scooby Doo-esque caretaker type character. I was just waiting for Shaggy to try and remove the caretaker's 'mask', only for it to be real, Scooby to give out a "Rikes!" and then hiliarty to ensue. Sadly this was not the case.

"G-g-g-g-ghost!"

As the crew are having sit down interviews with the family members and setting up cameras across the house, it becomes apparent that all is not as fake as they had anticipated. The film teases the tension well at times, not giving away too much too soon. This backfires though. The film only runs for just over an hour - I think 1 hour 4 minutes is the official running times, credits and all. That's a ridiculously short length for a feature film. Even worse is that the first real scares start to come at about the 40 minute mark, leaving just the final 20 minutes of the film for the spookiness to make itself known. The initial shock moments work relatively well, it's just the big pay off that disappoints. The final part of the film, the big finale, the part that everything thus far has been hinting at just falls flat on it's face. It leaves you shrugging your shoulders and mumbling "meh". It's just a throwaway, nothing ending. You know what's coming, it comes, it doesn't get entirely explained why, and then it's a case of 'la FIN!' and done.

The crew planning their hoax haunting

The general idea of the film had a lot of potential. The slow build up throughout the film works well, the tone is set, the action isn't rushed, the scares don't happen right off the bat... then the last 20 minutes just crams everything together. I can't even call it a case of pacing problems as so much as it's more the length of the film that has me scratching my head. The first 40 minutes would work fine if it was a 90 minute film. The fact that it's a 64 minute film just throws everything off. Another big flaw with the film is the acting. The majority of the delivery is horrendous. It can get away with this at times, especially when the crew involved are essentially playing the roles of over the top ghost hunter types. It's at the other times where the poor levels of acting stand out, even from the opening scene of the film.

If you're a fan of the recent found footage style film then you may want to give this a try. One of the plus points is that at least it is short, with you being able to get through it in basically an hour. When the scares do come then a few of them work well, the more subtle ones. It's when the supposed 'big scares' happen that you just don't get a sense of terror. It just feels inflated, over the top and poorly acted. As I've said though, and as a self confessed horror geek, this may be worth a watch for some genre fans. Lord knows I happily sit through films that I'm fully aware may be seen as trash by most, and even at times by myself. It's almost par for the course of being a horror fan.

Michael Fish - Could this be The Grey Man?

The Pact

So, to follow up on Wednesday's viewing of Jaws, the plan was to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer. The powers that be were against me yesterday, so instead I ended up watching The Pact. For those of you that haven't seen the trailer, it's basically a slightly spooky tale that mainly revolves around a house and the things that went on at said abode.

Even the spirits can't decide whether it's worth watching this flick

The general gist is that a mother has died and her daughters go back to the area for the funeral. I guess you could say that they set out to use the deceased mother's house as a base of sorts. The film starts off with one of the sisters, Nicole, already at the house, passing time and having a bit of a 'tense' conversation with the other sister via the marvel of a telephonic device. Nicole then proceeds to have a conversation with her daughter via some form of Skye device. This is when you get the first sense of the spooky, as the young daughter on the other end of the Skype display asks her mother who the person there with her is. The big surprise here is that the mother is alone. Slightly creeped out, she proceeds to have a little look around the small house. Cut to the other sister, Annie, looking like a cross between Melissa George and Patsy Kensit, arriving a few days later, on the day of the funeral, only to find that Nicole has gone missing. It's touched on that Nicole has a past history of drug abuse and going missing for days, so the cynical Annie doesn't think too much of her sister being missing. That is until she wakes up in the middle of the night to find her cousin has gone missing from the house, then has a moment where she is literally dragged around the house by an unseen entity. Safe to say, she escapes the house and takes her small niece with her as she flees to the police station.

Casper Von Dien doing his best Tony Stark impression

Upon arriving at the police station she's interviewed by Starship Troopers' very own Casper Von Dien (also of the so-bad-it's-good-but-still-just-actually-rather-bad Dracula 3000). He's interested in the disappearance of Annie's sister and cousin, but Annie does the 'it wasn't me, Guv'nor, it was them pesky spirits' routine. Casper's cop doesn't really believe her but decides, as she's got pert, bouncy breasts, to at least check out the house in question. When the two of them enter the house, all is relatively normal until they come across a covered up door that Annie never knew existed. Casper takes some pictures during this and that's about it. Annie goes off to stay in a Motel, where she has some funky dreams. All of this leads to Annie bringing a blind psychic to the house. This is when the film starts to get into a bit more of the supernatural horror vibe that's promised in the trailer. From then on in there's a few twists and turns, as well as a few choice scares.

The film as a whole isn't horrendous, although it does seem to fall flat at the times when it looks like it's about to deliver the goods. Just as the film starts to get going, it seems to stagnate and then flip things in another direction. Whilst this can often work in a film's favour, with The Pact it does it at the wrong time. It tends to be going down the right avenues but then has a change of heart, leaving you with a slightly subdued response. The pacing of the film also feels a little off. It drags out parts of the story that don't need dragging out, yet skims over other plot points that could easily be elaborated on. At times the film hints at past trauma experienced by the two sisters at the hands of their mother, yet you never really get a clear cut answer to this. It's not even overly implied as to what has gone on previously. When the end does finally come, you're left with a feeling that the whole story covered could have easily have been done in about 30 minutes less running time. The film isn't overly long, running at just over 90 minutes, but the actual parts of the story that are covered don't necessitate 90+ minutes.

The poor man's equivalent to being frozen in carbonite

To sum up, the film is worth a watch and it does have it's charms, just don't go into it expecting anything particularly groundbreaking. I left the film with a sense of unfulfilled potential, a sense of what could have been. There's some good scares, there's some tense moment, there's Casper Von Dien and there's some bouncing bosoms. It just feels like there could have been so much more.

Piranha 3DD - Twice the terror, double the D's

The title and the tag line pretty much tells you all you need to know about this film. Yes, it's about piranhas. Yes, there's lots of boobs on show. Is it actually any good? It depends on what you want from a film like this.

I shit you not, these are the actual lifeguards in the film

If you go into this expecting some sort of Jaws type classic fish tale then you'll be sadly disappointed. I'm guessing that the majority of people who are interested in this film will have seen, or at least be familiar with, Piranha 3D. If that is the case then you'll know exactly what to expect from this film. It's a straightforward sequel that carries on in exactly the same vein as it's predecessor. There's gore, there's breasts (and lots of them) and there's enough cheese to give Mickey Mouse an erection. The good thing is that the film knows exactly what it is, who it's target market is and is unashamed in what it's main attractions are. The film doesn't pretend to be something else; it's an over the top, bloody, cringe worthy, simple film that pushes it's boobs together at you like a bad low rent porn star that you could imagine Ron Jeremy decimating. If that type of film is up your alley then this is for you.

The basic premise of the film is that the hungry, hungry fishies from the first film are back... and this time they're heading towards a water park. The park is part owned by David Koechner (best known as Champ Kind in Anchorman and numerous other parts) and his step daughter, played by Danielle Panabaker (of Friday 13th and The Crazies updated remakes fame). The step father character is the money hound that is looking to open the water park purely to make a quick buck, regardless of safety fears. The step daughter is on the flip side, cautious of any and all risks that come with the park, and the one who becomes aware of the possible piranha threat.

"Honestly, I've not followed through, I swear."

The piranhas themselves are bigger and badder in this one. Christopher Lloyd (yep, he's back) ascertains that the deadly fish are now able to break through steel due to sheer persistence and appetite - that's some hungry fish. He demonstrates this by tempting a piranha with a frog. Poor Kermit.

The piranhas are attracted by activity in the water, meaning that a water park that is sourced directly, and illegally, from a lake is most definitely on their radar. Throw in a cast of typical teens - the jock, the geek, the virgin, the rampant one, the unassuming hero and several generic, faceless others - and you have your film. Well, that and a few, dare I say it, big cameos from Gary Busey, Ving Rhames and David Hasselhoff. Gary Busey takes on a similar role to Richard Dreyfuss' in the previous film, that of the opening scene fodder. Ving Rhames picks up his role from Piranha 3D despite being seemingly turned to fish food in that - this time with his legs missing. Then there's The Hoff. The Hoff plays, well, The Hoff. He plays a parody of himself, being The Hoff and scraping the barrel for a few dollars by being the 'special guest' at the water park, The Big Wet's, grand opening. There's a lot of Hoff magic throughout the film and he plays the drunken, past it, self obsessed ladies man to perfection. If anyone's seen his drunken burger eating antics or heard about his 25 year younger girlfriends then you'll know what I mean. If not then I suggest you become acquainted with Google and YouTube. In fact, just search for 'The Hoff Burger' on any of the aforementioned sites. No need to thank me - I'm good like that.

"Did somebody say my Big Mac's arrived?"

Unsurprisingly, the savage fish make their way into the water park and reek havoc on anyone that gets in their way, be it man, woman or child. Whilst the action itself is direct, to the point and gorey, it somehow feels a little lacking in it's longevity. The film itself runs at just over 1 hour and 20 minutes, with the build up being a lot longer than the pay off. The first act focuses on introducing the characters, then the film starts to flesh out the piranha mythos with the cast becoming aware of the possible threat and seeking advice from crazy old Christopher Lloyd. The third and final act arrives as expected, it just falls a little... flat. The actual action itself isn't the problem, with people being gnawed at left, right, centre and on the Cooch-Cam (watch the film to find out what this is - it mainly involves close ups of various women's 'love tunnels'). The problem is that when the big attack on the water park arrives it's just too short. Obviously there's the whole logical point to get over, as in if the fish are in the pool parts of the water park then just get out of the water. In fairness, a lot of people do this and that partially adds to the short attack time. Rational thinking in a horror film, who'd have thunk it?! Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of illogical acts throughout the majority of the film - including one poor soul topping Jerry O'Connell's mauled penis from the first film. All I'm saying is that there's a scene that will have any man, or overly sensitive woman for that matter, crossing their legs and giving the slightest wince of pain. I'm still haunted by flashbacks now and I saw the film on opening night last week.

All in all the film is going to attract the audience that this kind of films is always going to attract. If you like your films to have a major dose of trashy, a smidgen of cheese, a large dollop of gore and a hefty scoop of inflated, bouncy chests then this is for you. As a throw away 80 minutes of your life, it's fine. If you want any more than that, or you have an aversion to breasts, then I'd suggest that you give this a wide birth and go and see some more wholesome film. For me, this was pure, unadulterated, over the top cinema in a way that only a Hollywood B movie could capture. It's the mix of shitter than shit, the inclusion of once were famous Hollywood names, and the gloss of a studio picture that makes this a much watch for me. It's rare that a film like this gets a cinema release these days, which is why I'll keep going and watching the Piranha franchise as long as these films keep getting churned out.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark...

Again, sorry for the lack of blog type stuff recently. I've been riddled with man flu. Now, you ask any man out there and they'll tell you that man flu is the worst illness on the planet. It takes it out of you as if you're a rhino giving birth.

As a result of said man flu I've been all a bit "meh" for the last week or so. I'm back to firing on most cylinders now though, which means I have been able to pop along to the cinema. That is exactly what I did, although I really wish that I hadn't. Let me start this by saying that I see good in basically ever film I see. I even enjoy films that I know are a pile of shit, such as the Shark Attack series or Ninja Terminator. If a film is shit then I almost have a sympathetic eye towards it. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's because the budget of these films is minuscule, maybe it's because I know that the actors really are doing their best, maybe it's because I know it's a small crew, small set and everyone is clubbing in together. So with all of that said, it has to be a movie that has some major things wrong with it for me to totally bash it and to see no redeeming features in it. That film, ladies and gentleman, would be Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark. I went into this with really high hopes. It looked like it could be genuinely creepy. It was written by Guillermo del Toro, who I am a massive fan of. It has Guy Pearce in it - again, someone who I am a massive fan of. It had that old style feel to it, like the spooky house or monster films of yesteryear - the kind of black and white film that as a kid I'd find on late night BBC2 and would be enthralled by the texture and the feel of the film. That is the type of film that I thought that this was going to harp back to. Sadly I was mistaken.

The general premise of the film is that a little girl is sent to live with her father, Guy Pearce, and his new girlfriend, Katie Holmes, whilst they are restoring an old house. The mother is hardly referred to, only referenced a few times to show that the poor little girl has been pushed from one parent to the other. The house is your usual old, antique, slightly spooky affair, complete with the usual characters, i.e the faithful maid, the slightly grump gardener, etc. The little girl is exploring the grounds when she comes across a disused basement that is hidden away under the house. With it being an old, creepy house, the entrance to the basement is hidden away behind a wall panel. Guy Pearce duly decides to knock away said panel and opens up the basement. This is where the film supposedly gets creepy. The little girl starts to hear things calling her name and speaking to her. This is when slightly erratic behavior starts to occur throughout the house, with Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes blaming the little girl for this. During the first half of the film it's established that the girl isn't the biggest fan of Katie Holmes in the step-mum-to-be role, whilst Guy Pearce is set up as bit of a cock who is just focused on work, work, work. This leads to you not really giving a shit about either of the main adult characters. You just don't care. This is my first problem with the film. My second problem is that it's supposed to be a mish-mash of horror/thriller/supernatural/monster films, yet it doesn't really showcase any major strengths in any of the aforementioned film types. About half way through it turns out that there are creatures running amok in the house, small little mischief-makers who bang on about child's teeth. Of course, the child knows exactly what's going on yet nobody believes her until it's more-or-less too late. When the little beasties do attack then you really don't give a shit as Guy Pearce is just a prick and Katie Holmes is Katie Holmes.

Don't Be Afraid Of Shit Films...

So that's where the main problem lies. None of the adult characters are sympathetic. The little girl, Bailee Madison, is fine in her role. She is great in the role of the grumpy kid who's been moved from pillar to post and has to try and adapt to her new life with her dad and the new love of his life. The film also never really has a scare moment, which surprised me. There wasn't a moment where I jumped or even flinched. I guess there's never any real sense of suspense for the most part. Usually in this type of film there's the slow build, which this has, and then the reveal. The reveal is made all the better by the suspense leading up to it. Here, when the reveal does finally come, it's just so-so. The effects work for the little creatures is fine, they don't look particularly bad or good. They do the job needed. It's just that you don't ever feel any real threat during the film. The suspense, for me, peaked in the opening few minutes when you see an old man going at a lady's teeth with a chisel. From there on out the film just seemed to lose my interest, which saddens me. I was really hoping for a lot from this film but I was just left with a typical Katie fucking Holmes performance. I'm not sure what it is about her that I don't like so much. She's just annoyed me for as long as I can remember. I never did the whole Dawon's Creek shit so I guess me and Miss Holmes (or should that be Mrs Cruise) got off on the wrong foot. She's just one of those actors that has done nothing of note to me, bar that topless scene from The Gift. She's just bland in anything that I see her in, bland, emotionless, wooden, annoying. After years of geek expectation for Batman Begins, she nearly ruined the film for me. Luckily her screen time was kept to a minimum. I'm one of those people that hate re-casting characters but I was literally shitting myself with joy when Maggie Gyllenhaal was announced as playing Rachel Dawes for The Dark Knight.

So to sum up, I had a good feeling for Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark yet I was left feeling like the film was a waste of what could have been. It had all of the factors to be great. Guillermo del Toro? Check. Creepy old house? Check. Little monsters? Check. Potentially creepy kid? Check. Katie Holmes death scene? You'll have to watch it and see.

The film at times felt like Critters in the way that it's little monsters were behaving. Whilst they were supposed to be menacing, you never really felt like they were going to do anything too brutal. The thing there is, Critters was meant to be firmly tongue in cheek and was on a small budget. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark had a $25 million budget and was set up firmly as serious film. Now don't get me wrong, $25 million is nothing by today's standards, but the standard of the film is similar to the shit films that I mentioned in my opening paragraph. The only difference is, these films are firmly aware that they are shit.

On a slightly lighter note, my favourite band of all time are due to announce they're reunion today. Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and Reni supposedly have a press conference booked for 3pm today. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. I'm not going to touch on the subject any further as I'm planning on a blog of sorts on the band. I'll just leave you with this.

Shark Night 3D

Again, sorry for the lack of blog-type stuff recently, I've been a busy bee. I'm planning on not doing a whole bunch of much over the next few weeks so that should mean more time to dabble with this stuff.

Now let's get down to business. The cinematic world is still reeling from Friday's release of Shark Night 3D. That's right, not Shark Night, not Shark Night 4D (see the Spy Kids franchise for that), and most definitely not Shark Night with smell-o-vision. Nope, this was Shark Night 3D! On a slightly side note, mid-way through the film I did get a smell of burning. I couldn't place whether it was the smell of knackered electrical items or the smell of burnt toast. It's a fine line to decipher between the two. So, yeah, I went to watch this shark infested beauty last night. For anybody that knows me then you know all about my irrational fear of sharks. You name it, I've done it (or not), as in I don't go into the sea (that's suicide!), as a kid I'd make sure I was always hunched up in a ball in the middle of the bench to make sure that no limbs were hanging over the edge of the bed for the waiting sharks (very sensible kid), and I try and do as little flying as possible (plane goes boom, drops from sky, I survive impact, land in ocean, sharks come to nibble on me). As well as this fear that I am very aware is all totally irrational, there's always a morbid curiosity and I'll watch any and all shit that I can find that involves sharks. That includes the piece of shit called Shark Night 3D.

Now it's not often that shark films come along these days. It's even rarer that they get a cinematic release, and it's even rarer still that the Odeon in Wrexham gets to show these films. Obviously there's a great demand from the Wrexham public to see more creature features. That said, upon walking into Screen 2 to watch the film last night I was greeted by the grand total of 2 other people in there. They were both on their own also. So there was 3 of us in the cinema, all sitting on our own. There were a few appreciate nods between us as I walked up the stairs to take my place amongst the popcorn covered seats. As the film began it immediately peaked my interest as the very first shot was a nice nod to Jaws (currently sat at approximately #4 on my favourite films of all time) as it was an underwater shot supposedly shot from a shark's point of view. As the scene unfolds it establishes a teenage couple messing around in the water. The boyfriend leaves the water to go and get some food (I can imagine him hunting antelope with a spear) and whilst he's gone his girlfriend gets devoured into a whole lot of bubbles and red stuff. There's another nice nod to Jaws in here too as the death of the girl echoes the opening scene death of Chrissy from Jaws. I think this is basically where my interest reached it's high point as the film slalomed down the toilet after this. The story picks up with a group of college kids, with each one supposedly ticking the box of a college stereotype. There's the brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess and the criminal... oh wait, that's the wrong film. These stereotypes are the geek, the athlete, the pretty boy, the quirky guy, the girl with issues and a few other girls that really don't have much of their characters fleshed out (meaning you know that they're going to be getting munched at some point). The one big, big, big, big problem I have is the main guy. He's portrayed as the geek, the medical student who has poor people skills and who is never going to get anywhere with the ladies. The problem is that the dude is pretty ripped and has chiseled features. Just because his first scene shows him in a pair of glasses (and only the first scene) does not instantly make the guy your Anthony Michael Hall.

Geek with added pen

Not so much geek and not so much pen

That was my biggest gripe. The rest of the cast just play out like the usual background characters that you see in the OC. They're all nice and shiny but ultimately lacking substance. I guess I should get back to the plot rather than the cast, so these kids all end up going to a friend's place for the weekend. Now when I say a friend's place then I don't mean someone crashing on someone else's sofa after a few beers too many. Nope, I mean that one of the girls actually owns her own island in the middle of a huge lake which is miles from anywhere. It's almost as bad an idea as the whole tropical island plot of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. At least that film had Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts in to keep my attention. Whilst I'm at it, Shark Night is a PG, meaning no boobs, no language and no particularly gruesome deaths. So, anyway, these kids get to their destination after coming across a few rednecks on the way. We're not talking Deliverance style rednecks but it's worth making a note of the guys as they do pop up at times later on in the film. The girl that owns the island also happens to own a boat and so a few of the guys go water-skiing on the lake. The athlete is showing his moves off when all of a sudden he vanishes under the surface. This is where the sharks kick in. Whether he makes it or not, I'll let you watch and find out. You'd have thought one logical idea would be to stay on the land once they realise that there's sharks in the "salt-water" lake.

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"I'm gonna eat your balls!"

Sadly for these kids they lack any kind of sense, even the medical student having moments that can only be described as a bit like Rodney from Only Fools & Horses. There's one moment where one of the guys loses an arm. This prompts some of the other guys to go and seek help, which means they have to go back into the water. This is a slightly plausible reason for why the cast would have to leave the land. The thing that shits all over logic is that the guy with one arm eventually ends up going back into the water to find the shark that attacked people. He goes in with one arm and a spear and literally wrestles with the shark as if he was "Macho Man" Randy Savage against Hulk Hogan. Ridiculous doesn't cover it. There's also a back story of two people falling out years ago because one ripped open the other's face open with a boat propeller by accident - I shit you not. There's then moments of sharks leaping through the air like Spider-man (obviously minus the outfit - now that is a film idea, Spider-shark!). After several of the supporting cast are offed in various munchable ways, the rednecks of earlier turn up to help. This is when things all go a bit sinister and there's a twist that is different to say the least. It kind of borrows parts from Hostel and Scream 4 but I'm not going to say any more on the subject.

I really hope that this is where the SFX budget went

To sum up, the plot was intriguing at times, the characters were paper thin in depth, the effects were poor at best, the need for 3D was a retarded idea and you had absolutely no sympathy for any of the characters involved. It's hard to care about the nasty things that are potentially happening to cheese-spewing, rich, ripped, good looking people. Shark Night fails to have the kitsch factor of Piranha 3D, whilst failing to have the serious tone of a Jaws, the scientific (if ridiculous) logic of a Deep Blue Sea or the brutally-honest-in-how-bad-they-are outlook of the various shark themed B movies that came before it. It does baffle me why they only went for a PG rating. Sure, Jaws had a PG rating but it also had a serious, strong story with a fantastic cast and one of the greatest directors of all time. I honestly expected Shark Night to go for the Piranha 3D route - play to your strengths. Don't take yourself too seriously, don't make ALL of your characters annoying, focus on the boobs and gore that has served similar films well over the years, make it camp, make it fun. I'm not sure, even after watching it, what Shark Night is entirely trying to set itself up as.

All in all, I did actually find parts of the film to be enjoyable but I do love shitty horror films, especially those involving sharks. For all those with a love of the very bad of the bad, you'll enjoy this for what it is. That said, most people will just think that the film is an absolute waste of 90 minutes of their life that they could have spent doing something more enjoyable, such as shoving a pineapple up their backside. 

I guess that means that I like pineapples.

Not the worst of views, I suppose...

Fright Night

Right, so I got around to checking out Fright Night yesterday. I say got around to but it was only out yesterday and I managed to get to the first showing at 1:45pm. The cinema had about 25 people in which is cool by me. The more empty the cinema then the more happy I am. That way there's less people to dick around with their phones or to just chat throughout the entire film.

Anyways, the film! It was surprisingly OK. The first 20 to 30 minutes were a bit bland but then it got going surprisingly well. It really surprised me how well it was done. It wasn't a direct carbon copy of the original Fright Night and actually changed things up quite well. I don't mean change things up in the "let's have Michael Myers talk" way, but they added scenes, removed scenes, threw in new bits. I'm not sure when writing my random thoughts whether I should talk fully about the film or try to avoid spoilers for people. I guess I should be kind and watch what I say. There's an interesting take on the whole vampires-can't-come-into-your-house-without-being-invited notion. Very clever. There's some parts that are a totally different from the original, and they work. The whole Evil Ed thing seems over a little quick initially, as in he's basically turned within the first 15 minutes or so and then doesn't pop up until about the hour mark. I'm not classing that as a spoiler as anybody that's seen the original Fright Night is expecting that. If you haven't seen the original Fright Night then fuck you, it's your own fault for not watching an '80's classic. One thing that was a little off putting is that I can never really buy Anton Yelchin as a school kid. I mean he's very baby faced but he's got massive wrinkles on his forehead whenever he talks and looks like one of those dudes who always partially look about 65 regardless of their actual age - like there's an old man waiting to burst out. They do manage to even throw in nods to the original film's make-up work, such as the genius big grin below.

Right, I think that covers it for now as I'm about to shoot off out to grab me a pie, pint and some entertaining Wrexham football. The Town are genuinely playing well at the moment, keeping possession, finding men, prepared to wait to find the right ball. It's a genuine joy to watch. Let's just hope we can keep it up against Kidderminster today. Fingers crossed that the Williams brothers don't come back to haunt us. Anyways, time for me to pop across the road for a pre-match pie and pint :)