Shark Night 3D

Again, sorry for the lack of blog-type stuff recently, I've been a busy bee. I'm planning on not doing a whole bunch of much over the next few weeks so that should mean more time to dabble with this stuff.

Now let's get down to business. The cinematic world is still reeling from Friday's release of Shark Night 3D. That's right, not Shark Night, not Shark Night 4D (see the Spy Kids franchise for that), and most definitely not Shark Night with smell-o-vision. Nope, this was Shark Night 3D! On a slightly side note, mid-way through the film I did get a smell of burning. I couldn't place whether it was the smell of knackered electrical items or the smell of burnt toast. It's a fine line to decipher between the two. So, yeah, I went to watch this shark infested beauty last night. For anybody that knows me then you know all about my irrational fear of sharks. You name it, I've done it (or not), as in I don't go into the sea (that's suicide!), as a kid I'd make sure I was always hunched up in a ball in the middle of the bench to make sure that no limbs were hanging over the edge of the bed for the waiting sharks (very sensible kid), and I try and do as little flying as possible (plane goes boom, drops from sky, I survive impact, land in ocean, sharks come to nibble on me). As well as this fear that I am very aware is all totally irrational, there's always a morbid curiosity and I'll watch any and all shit that I can find that involves sharks. That includes the piece of shit called Shark Night 3D.

Now it's not often that shark films come along these days. It's even rarer that they get a cinematic release, and it's even rarer still that the Odeon in Wrexham gets to show these films. Obviously there's a great demand from the Wrexham public to see more creature features. That said, upon walking into Screen 2 to watch the film last night I was greeted by the grand total of 2 other people in there. They were both on their own also. So there was 3 of us in the cinema, all sitting on our own. There were a few appreciate nods between us as I walked up the stairs to take my place amongst the popcorn covered seats. As the film began it immediately peaked my interest as the very first shot was a nice nod to Jaws (currently sat at approximately #4 on my favourite films of all time) as it was an underwater shot supposedly shot from a shark's point of view. As the scene unfolds it establishes a teenage couple messing around in the water. The boyfriend leaves the water to go and get some food (I can imagine him hunting antelope with a spear) and whilst he's gone his girlfriend gets devoured into a whole lot of bubbles and red stuff. There's another nice nod to Jaws in here too as the death of the girl echoes the opening scene death of Chrissy from Jaws. I think this is basically where my interest reached it's high point as the film slalomed down the toilet after this. The story picks up with a group of college kids, with each one supposedly ticking the box of a college stereotype. There's the brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess and the criminal... oh wait, that's the wrong film. These stereotypes are the geek, the athlete, the pretty boy, the quirky guy, the girl with issues and a few other girls that really don't have much of their characters fleshed out (meaning you know that they're going to be getting munched at some point). The one big, big, big, big problem I have is the main guy. He's portrayed as the geek, the medical student who has poor people skills and who is never going to get anywhere with the ladies. The problem is that the dude is pretty ripped and has chiseled features. Just because his first scene shows him in a pair of glasses (and only the first scene) does not instantly make the guy your Anthony Michael Hall.

Geek with added pen

Not so much geek and not so much pen

That was my biggest gripe. The rest of the cast just play out like the usual background characters that you see in the OC. They're all nice and shiny but ultimately lacking substance. I guess I should get back to the plot rather than the cast, so these kids all end up going to a friend's place for the weekend. Now when I say a friend's place then I don't mean someone crashing on someone else's sofa after a few beers too many. Nope, I mean that one of the girls actually owns her own island in the middle of a huge lake which is miles from anywhere. It's almost as bad an idea as the whole tropical island plot of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. At least that film had Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts in to keep my attention. Whilst I'm at it, Shark Night is a PG, meaning no boobs, no language and no particularly gruesome deaths. So, anyway, these kids get to their destination after coming across a few rednecks on the way. We're not talking Deliverance style rednecks but it's worth making a note of the guys as they do pop up at times later on in the film. The girl that owns the island also happens to own a boat and so a few of the guys go water-skiing on the lake. The athlete is showing his moves off when all of a sudden he vanishes under the surface. This is where the sharks kick in. Whether he makes it or not, I'll let you watch and find out. You'd have thought one logical idea would be to stay on the land once they realise that there's sharks in the "salt-water" lake.

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"I'm gonna eat your balls!"

Sadly for these kids they lack any kind of sense, even the medical student having moments that can only be described as a bit like Rodney from Only Fools & Horses. There's one moment where one of the guys loses an arm. This prompts some of the other guys to go and seek help, which means they have to go back into the water. This is a slightly plausible reason for why the cast would have to leave the land. The thing that shits all over logic is that the guy with one arm eventually ends up going back into the water to find the shark that attacked people. He goes in with one arm and a spear and literally wrestles with the shark as if he was "Macho Man" Randy Savage against Hulk Hogan. Ridiculous doesn't cover it. There's also a back story of two people falling out years ago because one ripped open the other's face open with a boat propeller by accident - I shit you not. There's then moments of sharks leaping through the air like Spider-man (obviously minus the outfit - now that is a film idea, Spider-shark!). After several of the supporting cast are offed in various munchable ways, the rednecks of earlier turn up to help. This is when things all go a bit sinister and there's a twist that is different to say the least. It kind of borrows parts from Hostel and Scream 4 but I'm not going to say any more on the subject.

I really hope that this is where the SFX budget went

To sum up, the plot was intriguing at times, the characters were paper thin in depth, the effects were poor at best, the need for 3D was a retarded idea and you had absolutely no sympathy for any of the characters involved. It's hard to care about the nasty things that are potentially happening to cheese-spewing, rich, ripped, good looking people. Shark Night fails to have the kitsch factor of Piranha 3D, whilst failing to have the serious tone of a Jaws, the scientific (if ridiculous) logic of a Deep Blue Sea or the brutally-honest-in-how-bad-they-are outlook of the various shark themed B movies that came before it. It does baffle me why they only went for a PG rating. Sure, Jaws had a PG rating but it also had a serious, strong story with a fantastic cast and one of the greatest directors of all time. I honestly expected Shark Night to go for the Piranha 3D route - play to your strengths. Don't take yourself too seriously, don't make ALL of your characters annoying, focus on the boobs and gore that has served similar films well over the years, make it camp, make it fun. I'm not sure, even after watching it, what Shark Night is entirely trying to set itself up as.

All in all, I did actually find parts of the film to be enjoyable but I do love shitty horror films, especially those involving sharks. For all those with a love of the very bad of the bad, you'll enjoy this for what it is. That said, most people will just think that the film is an absolute waste of 90 minutes of their life that they could have spent doing something more enjoyable, such as shoving a pineapple up their backside. 

I guess that means that I like pineapples.

Not the worst of views, I suppose...