A Quick Catch Up

Right, it's been a little while since I've been on this here blog type thing (18th October, 2011 if the Internet is to be believed). What started my absence was a changeover in Internet providers which left me without the joys of the 'net for about a month or so. In this time I typed a blog about the reformation of the Stone Roses and how giddy that had left me. I thought I'd upload this once my 'net came back on. One thing led to another and I've just not managed to get round to another blog since my 'net came back - I think I just got out of the habit of popping up little bits and bobs on here. Anyways, I went to (finally) upload said Roses blog yesterday when stupid, stupid, stoooooooooooooopid me deleted the whole of the My Documents folder. That meant that loads of stuff got deleted - not even to my Recycle Bin, just straight to data heaven - mainly my CV, various reports, most of my pictures and a few random things, such as some half baked ideas for films/TV shows and the aforementioned Roses blog. Pah!

So I'm starting from scratch with the hope of, once again, getting back into the habit of typing about random things to an ever small audience. The Roses blog was a huge piece, so no way am I going back on re-doing that. Let's just say that you'll have to take my word on the fact that I am ridiculously excited about the reformation of my favourite band of all time and the fact that I will be seeing them live in a matter of months. That is a day I honestly never thought would come.

One major problem I DO currently have though is a lack of hearing. My right ear is completely blocked up with all sorts of ear type crap. This has stopped me in my cinema going tracks for the last few weeks. It's put the shitter on me going to watch Star Wars: Episode 1 in 3D, The Woman in Black and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. I'm hoping I'll be able to catch them before their respective cinema runs come to an end.

Before I got all partially deaf, I managed to watch a fair few pieces of shit. The worst being a little known bad boy by the name of Sand Sharks. If you have the ability to read the title of the film then you can pretty much guess what it's about. Yep, you guessed it - it's about sharks in the sand. Leading the charge against these beasties is Brooke Hogan and a crop of similar level nobodies.

The FX budget went towards Brooke's chest

The film starts off with a couple of guys racing their dirt bikes across sand dunes. One of them goes missing, then the other one similarly disappears - getting taken by something from the sand. The FX in this one are horrible. I'm not talking low rent gore or poor quality CGI, I'm talking lazy CGI. You have to work within the boundaries of what you've got but there's no excuse for being lazy with it. When somebody is attacked then they literally just vanish into thin air, sometimes with a drop of blood left behind. It's literally now you see them, there's the sand shark, now you don't. I've tried to find examples online and this is one of the better ones. I especially like that the guy moves his head around like he's a cross between something from The Muppets and the classic riled up 1980's Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Now you see them, now you don't. I suppose you could say in a way it's playing to the film's strengths as they obviously have a small budget. It just looks so half assed to me though. Give me something more practical any day, or at least some bones and a bit of intestines left behind.

Something else that is off putting is the presence of Brooke Hogan as one of the leads. It's not so much the fact that she can't act (which she most definitely can't), it's more the fact that I can't help thinking that if you stuck a moustache on her then you'd have a mini-Hulkster. She must definitely have 3 Weetabix a day to be the size she is. It'd be wrong to call her ugly, but I wouldn't quite say she was pretty. I guess the phrase would be an intimidating physical presence. In Sand Sharks she's portrayed as a very girly girl though, which messes up the thought process even more so. Unfortunately for me, there's another shark film on my agenda called 2 Headed Shark Attack. The title of the film isn't the unfortunate bit. The unfortunate bit is that this also has Brooke-a-mania running wild all over it.

What'cha Gonna Do, Brother?!?!

On that note, I'm going to bring this little catch up to a close. My film watching is a bit restricted due to this stupid ear problem, but hopefully that rectifies itself in the next few days and I can plow on through the cinematic galaxy. Hopefully the next few turns of this galaxy don't involve Brooke Hogan, her guns and her surgically enhanced chest.

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark...

Again, sorry for the lack of blog type stuff recently. I've been riddled with man flu. Now, you ask any man out there and they'll tell you that man flu is the worst illness on the planet. It takes it out of you as if you're a rhino giving birth.

As a result of said man flu I've been all a bit "meh" for the last week or so. I'm back to firing on most cylinders now though, which means I have been able to pop along to the cinema. That is exactly what I did, although I really wish that I hadn't. Let me start this by saying that I see good in basically ever film I see. I even enjoy films that I know are a pile of shit, such as the Shark Attack series or Ninja Terminator. If a film is shit then I almost have a sympathetic eye towards it. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's because the budget of these films is minuscule, maybe it's because I know that the actors really are doing their best, maybe it's because I know it's a small crew, small set and everyone is clubbing in together. So with all of that said, it has to be a movie that has some major things wrong with it for me to totally bash it and to see no redeeming features in it. That film, ladies and gentleman, would be Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark. I went into this with really high hopes. It looked like it could be genuinely creepy. It was written by Guillermo del Toro, who I am a massive fan of. It has Guy Pearce in it - again, someone who I am a massive fan of. It had that old style feel to it, like the spooky house or monster films of yesteryear - the kind of black and white film that as a kid I'd find on late night BBC2 and would be enthralled by the texture and the feel of the film. That is the type of film that I thought that this was going to harp back to. Sadly I was mistaken.

The general premise of the film is that a little girl is sent to live with her father, Guy Pearce, and his new girlfriend, Katie Holmes, whilst they are restoring an old house. The mother is hardly referred to, only referenced a few times to show that the poor little girl has been pushed from one parent to the other. The house is your usual old, antique, slightly spooky affair, complete with the usual characters, i.e the faithful maid, the slightly grump gardener, etc. The little girl is exploring the grounds when she comes across a disused basement that is hidden away under the house. With it being an old, creepy house, the entrance to the basement is hidden away behind a wall panel. Guy Pearce duly decides to knock away said panel and opens up the basement. This is where the film supposedly gets creepy. The little girl starts to hear things calling her name and speaking to her. This is when slightly erratic behavior starts to occur throughout the house, with Guy Pearce and Katie Holmes blaming the little girl for this. During the first half of the film it's established that the girl isn't the biggest fan of Katie Holmes in the step-mum-to-be role, whilst Guy Pearce is set up as bit of a cock who is just focused on work, work, work. This leads to you not really giving a shit about either of the main adult characters. You just don't care. This is my first problem with the film. My second problem is that it's supposed to be a mish-mash of horror/thriller/supernatural/monster films, yet it doesn't really showcase any major strengths in any of the aforementioned film types. About half way through it turns out that there are creatures running amok in the house, small little mischief-makers who bang on about child's teeth. Of course, the child knows exactly what's going on yet nobody believes her until it's more-or-less too late. When the little beasties do attack then you really don't give a shit as Guy Pearce is just a prick and Katie Holmes is Katie Holmes.

Don't Be Afraid Of Shit Films...

So that's where the main problem lies. None of the adult characters are sympathetic. The little girl, Bailee Madison, is fine in her role. She is great in the role of the grumpy kid who's been moved from pillar to post and has to try and adapt to her new life with her dad and the new love of his life. The film also never really has a scare moment, which surprised me. There wasn't a moment where I jumped or even flinched. I guess there's never any real sense of suspense for the most part. Usually in this type of film there's the slow build, which this has, and then the reveal. The reveal is made all the better by the suspense leading up to it. Here, when the reveal does finally come, it's just so-so. The effects work for the little creatures is fine, they don't look particularly bad or good. They do the job needed. It's just that you don't ever feel any real threat during the film. The suspense, for me, peaked in the opening few minutes when you see an old man going at a lady's teeth with a chisel. From there on out the film just seemed to lose my interest, which saddens me. I was really hoping for a lot from this film but I was just left with a typical Katie fucking Holmes performance. I'm not sure what it is about her that I don't like so much. She's just annoyed me for as long as I can remember. I never did the whole Dawon's Creek shit so I guess me and Miss Holmes (or should that be Mrs Cruise) got off on the wrong foot. She's just one of those actors that has done nothing of note to me, bar that topless scene from The Gift. She's just bland in anything that I see her in, bland, emotionless, wooden, annoying. After years of geek expectation for Batman Begins, she nearly ruined the film for me. Luckily her screen time was kept to a minimum. I'm one of those people that hate re-casting characters but I was literally shitting myself with joy when Maggie Gyllenhaal was announced as playing Rachel Dawes for The Dark Knight.

So to sum up, I had a good feeling for Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark yet I was left feeling like the film was a waste of what could have been. It had all of the factors to be great. Guillermo del Toro? Check. Creepy old house? Check. Little monsters? Check. Potentially creepy kid? Check. Katie Holmes death scene? You'll have to watch it and see.

The film at times felt like Critters in the way that it's little monsters were behaving. Whilst they were supposed to be menacing, you never really felt like they were going to do anything too brutal. The thing there is, Critters was meant to be firmly tongue in cheek and was on a small budget. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark had a $25 million budget and was set up firmly as serious film. Now don't get me wrong, $25 million is nothing by today's standards, but the standard of the film is similar to the shit films that I mentioned in my opening paragraph. The only difference is, these films are firmly aware that they are shit.

On a slightly lighter note, my favourite band of all time are due to announce they're reunion today. Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and Reni supposedly have a press conference booked for 3pm today. Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. I'm not going to touch on the subject any further as I'm planning on a blog of sorts on the band. I'll just leave you with this.