Frankenhooker!

Well this week I've made a discovery of the best kind. I'm a big fan of Zone Horror, the awfully produced horror channel on Sky TV. Over the years it has shown some great short-story based TV shows that I used to watch as a kid. Shows such as Tales From The Crypt, Friday 13th, The Outer Limits and now Freddy's Nightmares. I've always been a sucker for this format of horror, especially for Crypt. I remember as a kid I'd get up at about 1am on, I think, a Monday night/Tuesday morning to watch WCW Worldwide on ITV. If I got up early enough then I'd catch the end of Tales From The Crypt. That was when I would be about 8. Years later I discovered Creepshow, Creepshow 2 and Body Bags. Three feature length films made up of the same idea of short stories. Creepshow 2 was so-so but the original Creepshow was brilliant. I was made up when it finally came out on DVD a few years ago, along with a fair few extras. My VHS copy had seen better days so it was also a bit of a relief to get it on DVD. As for Body Bags, Mark Hamill being a star baseball player on his way home, looking to play a music cassette but crashing his car and ending up with said tape wedged in his eye was brilliant. I can't do the scene justice, and I can't find a decent image of Hamill's reaction, but this is an image of part of that scene, dodgy moustache included:

Anyway, I'm getting slightly off point here. I had started to say about my love for Zone Horror. As well as the aforementioned short-story type horror shows, they have also shown some great unknown gems over the years. Now and again they'll show a well known film, normally something in the Hellraiser vein. One film I did come across a few years ago was The Tripper. Now I'm the type of person that will watch any and all horror films, regardless of how shit they sound or how low budget they look. I don't hold premise or budget against a film. To my surprise, The Tripper had Jason Mewes in it. As a big Kevin Smith fan, Mewes peaked my interest straight away. The summary of the film also said that it was directed by David Arquette and also featured appearances from Arquette, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Lukas Haas, Jaime King, Thomas Jane (Deep Blue Sea, Punisher and Boogie Nights REPRESENT!) and Paz de la Huerta. Obviously this was way before David started shaking the bacon with lots of other ladies who mainly seem to be varying forms of prostitutes or escorts. Anyway, I digress, The Tripper turned out to be a great little film about a Ronald Reagan obsessed serial killer who was taking out his aggression on hippies and stoners all whilst wearing a Reagan mask. There was also the immortal tag line of "Here's Ronnie!". Get it. Get it. Got. So, anyway, it's taking me what seems like a fair old ramble to establish that I have a lot of time for Zone Horror. Now on to the main point of this blog, Frankenhooker.

Frankenhooker: "It's a stitch!"

What a brilliant little film?!?! I can't believe that I've never seen it up until now. I almost feel ashamed at that admission. I was flicking through Zone Horror over the weekend and the title caught my eye, I had a quick read of the synopsis and then used the trusty Sky+ button to record it. I got round to watching it on Sunday night and it was even better than it sounded. The basic plot is that an amateur 'mad-scientist' sees his girlfriend killed in a lawnmower accident. Yes, a lawnmower accident. One minute she's waving at him from across the lawn, the next she's chewed up by a lawnmower as we see her blood splat against a poor, unsuspecting gnome.

Poor Noddy had only just washed his beard

During this tragedy, our Dr Frankenstein in waiting, Jeffrey, manages to salvage the severed head of his girlfriend. From there on in he tries to come up with ideas on how to re-animate her. In his wisdom he decides that he can buy a shit load of hookers and use their body parts to make a body for the head of his beloved. This is all well and good but Jeffrey has a bit of a pickle when it comes to actually killing the ladies of the night. He decides to drill into his own brain, which somehow gives him a creative boost. He decides that he'll buy some crack and turn it into "Supercrack" using his science skills. If this was me then I'd market it as "Supercrack - guaranteed to get you higher faster than a speeding bullet". I think it's catchy. Maybe my skills are wasted in my current job and I should use my marketing knowledge to market drugs. I guess it's an option. Anyway, all tooled up with this wonder drug he goes out to get himself some hookers. By this point he's already researched his whores and has struck up a relationship with a pimp called Zorro. The character of Zorro is arguably the worst acting I have ever seen in any film, and I've seen myself act. It's so bad that it's scene stealing. You'll understand if you've seen the film. Anyway, Jeffrey ends up in a room with a shit load of hookers and a load of drugs. His original plan was to feed the hookers the Supercrack and watch them explode (literally!), but he has since had a change of heart. Just when he starts to realise that the whole thing is a bit of a stupid idea, the hookers discover the stash of Supercrack. Within all of 5 seconds of consuming the new drug of choice, they're all naked and fondling each other. This had me thinking that I should try and make some Supercrack of my own. I've already got a swish, catchy slogan sorted (see above) so if only I could make the product then I could attract me a room full of naked ladies. Hmmmm. So the naked ladies take the Supercrack and then they basically blow up, as in like a Catherine Wheel.

She definitely should have avoided the Chicken Vindaloo

I forgot to mention this but there's a great scene before all of the hookers go boom where Jeffrey basically checks each one's body out for the perfect limbs. I may have a soft spot for this scene because there's about 14 pairs of breasts on show, although I'm sure there's other merits to the scene. So Jeffrey toddles off to his garage (his lab) where he puts all of the hookers body parts in a storage tank. He then begins the task of choosing the best parts and putting them together to re-animate his girlfriend. Amazingly this works and his beloved comes back to the world of the living, only now she's full of hooker memories. This means that she pushes Jeffrey to one side and basically hits the streets, looking to hop on to any and all penises in sight. The only problem is that her lady parts are all now full of experimental goodness and cause her partner in passion to explode in a way similar to the aforementioned hookers. I won't give any more of the movie away apart from the fact that Zorro, the horribly acted Hispanic pimp, turns up to take revenge/ownership on the hooker that's made up of the parts of his former money makers.

All in all, the film is a blast. It's got a serious tone of Troma to it in some ways. It's gorey, it's badly acted, it's low budgeted, and it features some brilliantly awful lines - my personal favourite being "I'm not much of a sports fan but I do like a certain indoor sport. Mind if I stick my tongue down your throat?". I reckon that's guaranteed to make the ladies swoon on a Saturday night out in Wrexham. Maybe I'll try it and post a result of my findings on here. Or maybe I won't and I'll save myself a slap and a knee to the balls.

Other than Frankenhooker, I've been having a bit of a John Carpenter kind of week. The Thing, Halloween 2 and The Ward have followed my recent viewing of Elvis. Always a Carpenter fan, but that's another blog. On a non-film note, it's been a rum old week for Wrexham FC. Firstly, Dean Saunders left the club to move to Doncaster. A great move for Deano, moving up three divisions to the Championship. No qualms from me as any player would have made the same move, and any person would take a jump of three grades in their current job. All the best to Dean, Mal Purchase and Brian Carey. The current caretaker, Andy Morrell, got off to a great start with a 3-1 away win against Grimsby at the weekend. The good news from last night is that the Geoff Moss and Ian Roberts era is finally over. The fans now own the club so there can be no more excuses when it comes to results being affected by ownership. Time to get our heads on and maintain the form that currently has us sitting top of the Blue Square Bet Premiership, starting with tonight's game against Mansfield.

Come on the Town!

Sunday bloody Sunday

Just a quick drop in to add a bit more to my initial Fright Night post. Upon seeing all of the early pictures and the trailers, I was devastated by David Tennant's look for Peter Vincent. The initial images of David Tennant were more-or-less the complete opposite of Roddy McDowell in the original. Tennant seemed to be more of a Jack Sparrow/Keith Richards style Peter Vincent. His portrayal looked like it was going to be one of those moments where classic cinema moments are dragged into the present and modernised. Luckily for me, and possibly for others, Tennant sheds the Rolling Stones look midway through the film. There's a scene where he's talking to Charlie and he takes off his wig, peels off his facial hair and scrubs off his tattoos. I gave a big sigh of relief at this as then you actually get to see a good performance. I was resigned to a Keith Richards wannabe, Jack Sparrow style, so it was refreshing to see Tennant take off all of his shit and actually show a bit of the actual Peter Vincent character. That said, they did throw in a bit of an unnecessary plot with Peter Vincent and his parents. I'm not going to say any more and spoil things but it seemed a little forced and unbelievable. That said, I was sat in the cinema watching a film about a vampire called Jerry so I can't really criticize things for not being believable. All in all though, I'd give the film a big thumbs up. From the reports that I've read, the film bombed massively box office wise in the States. Apparently it made less in it's opening weekend than the 1985 original. That's a big blow. Regardless, go and see it, you'll thank me later. It's not going to change the face of the medium of film, but it's a fun way to kill 90 minutes of your life. I'm still not sold on the mum character though. Definitely not feeling any MILF vibes.

Moving swiftly on, the Town were awesome again yesterday. Like a lower league Barcelona, a small scale Manchester United, a non-league... Southampton. Another good performance, another 3 points and another dominant display. It baffles me to see us keep the ball so well as I'm just so conditioned to not seeing us play like that after all of those years. It's refreshing, it's positive, it's easy on the eye. The ball that Curtis Obeng put in for the 2nd goal was ridiculously good. It was basically begging Wright to put it out of it's misery. He finished it well and it was a relief to see him get his first goal for the Town. Again, Wright put a shift in. Great performance from the lad. There were moments where he was tracking back to full back and just generally being a pest. Fowler doesn't even get a mention because the performance that he put in is a given at this moment in time. Far too good for this level. His ball retention, his body shape, his vision... all top class. On a side note, it was good to see Dean Keates get a run out for the last 12 minutes or so. Again, another player that's too good for this level. The fact that he's on the bench at the moment shows the steps that we've made in regards to strength in depth. Last year Keates would have been thrown back into the team even if he was 40% match fit. At present we can afford to ease him back in gently and take our time with him. It'll be interesting to see what the starting line-up is when Keates is fully fit. You'd think maybe Tolley will make way but at the moment you can't change the team. Add to that the fact that Tolley is always a goal threat then you give yourself a bit of a conundrum. Either way, it's a good problem to have and the Town are sitting loud and proud at the top of the league. Happy day :)

Fright Night

Right, so I got around to checking out Fright Night yesterday. I say got around to but it was only out yesterday and I managed to get to the first showing at 1:45pm. The cinema had about 25 people in which is cool by me. The more empty the cinema then the more happy I am. That way there's less people to dick around with their phones or to just chat throughout the entire film.

Anyways, the film! It was surprisingly OK. The first 20 to 30 minutes were a bit bland but then it got going surprisingly well. It really surprised me how well it was done. It wasn't a direct carbon copy of the original Fright Night and actually changed things up quite well. I don't mean change things up in the "let's have Michael Myers talk" way, but they added scenes, removed scenes, threw in new bits. I'm not sure when writing my random thoughts whether I should talk fully about the film or try to avoid spoilers for people. I guess I should be kind and watch what I say. There's an interesting take on the whole vampires-can't-come-into-your-house-without-being-invited notion. Very clever. There's some parts that are a totally different from the original, and they work. The whole Evil Ed thing seems over a little quick initially, as in he's basically turned within the first 15 minutes or so and then doesn't pop up until about the hour mark. I'm not classing that as a spoiler as anybody that's seen the original Fright Night is expecting that. If you haven't seen the original Fright Night then fuck you, it's your own fault for not watching an '80's classic. One thing that was a little off putting is that I can never really buy Anton Yelchin as a school kid. I mean he's very baby faced but he's got massive wrinkles on his forehead whenever he talks and looks like one of those dudes who always partially look about 65 regardless of their actual age - like there's an old man waiting to burst out. They do manage to even throw in nods to the original film's make-up work, such as the genius big grin below.

Right, I think that covers it for now as I'm about to shoot off out to grab me a pie, pint and some entertaining Wrexham football. The Town are genuinely playing well at the moment, keeping possession, finding men, prepared to wait to find the right ball. It's a genuine joy to watch. Let's just hope we can keep it up against Kidderminster today. Fingers crossed that the Williams brothers don't come back to haunt us. Anyways, time for me to pop across the road for a pre-match pie and pint :)

First and foremost...

Hola! Well this is all new and confusing. Excuse me if I seem a little lost, this is the first real time for me trying this blog type stuff. Basically, it's something that I've debated doing for a little while, just a way to get my thoughts down on the random shit that goes through my mind from time to time.


If I was a meal then films would be the steak, football would be the chips, music would be the mushrooms and onions, with food popping up as the condiments. I hope that's a clear enough analogy. If not then tough, I'm not awake enough to think of an actual decent analogy. Deal with it.


I'm just going to use this blog to give my random thoughts on random goings on. I can't promise a precise structure or that what you read will be relevant, it's just a case of whatever pops into my head or whatever I feel like getting off my chest. There may even be tapeworms involved, just to warn you. That's something that I'm working on at the moment, although I'm not entirely sure where that came from. I think it came from a discussion about urban myths. Anyways, I'll get to that in a later blog. For now, this is just an introductory blog type thing. I hope to add pictures and videos once I've got into my comfort zone with all the fangled options involved in this blogging stuff. I was thinking of possibly going through my 10 favourite film scenes or favourite uses of music in film. Just ideas at the moment, but that's the type of thing that I'm looking at doing. I may even throw a few funky pictures of real life into this. Well, as real as it gets living in the 'hood' of Wrexham.


I guess that kind of gets the first post out of the way. Nothing too exciting but mainly just a way for me to see what this is all about. I'm off out on little trip to the cinema shortly. Fright Night's been released today and, as a huge horror geek, I'm all kinds of excited about seeing it. I know, I know, the original Fright Night is such an awesome film. I'm not really for re-makes/re-boots/re-imagings of films but, whilst I'll bitch and moan, I'll still go along and watch these films. I guess that keeps the studios happy - "All of these fans are bitching about how shit our film is and how it's sacrilegious to re-make 'insert film title here' but these same people pay to go and watch these films, meaning I can afford my monthly holiday to my own private island full of curvaceous, willing ladies". Yep, that gets the studios right where it hurts...


Anyways, I can feel myself going off on a slightly random tangent. Time to get it back on track. I've now got urges to talk about the films that I've seen in recent months, The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Captain America, Thor, Green Lantern, Submarine, Scream 4, but I'll resist the urge. I'm even getting urges to blog about the sad loss of Mikel Arteta. On a quick note there, I'm still gutted about Arteta moving to Arsenal. I'm not an Everton fan, I'm a Wrexham fan. Over the years I've built up quite the soft spot for Everton, mainly down to a huge dislike of anything related to Liverpool FC and also down to my love of all things Mikel Arteta. There's not many players like him in the British game, a central playing midfielder who can pull out tricks and also put a ball on someone's toe from 60 yards. Now I'm not saying he's a Paul Scholes when it comes to passing, and I'm not saying he's a Cristiano Ronaldo when it comes to tricks, I'm just saying Arteta is different to most players that you see in the British game. Granted, at times he was used on the right, even on the left on occasions, but he is just a very special talent. It only dawned on my over the last few days that a good part of the reason that I have this soft spot for Everton is purely down to Mikel Arteta. Logically, out of the bigger players that could've gone, then it makes sense for Mikel to be the one. Losing Baines or Jagielka would've been a big blow, whereas Everton are blessed for numbers in midfield. Arteta, Cahill, Osman, Neville, Rodwell, Barkley and Fellaini all battling for 3 places in the middle of the park. I guess it makes sense for one of them to go, and I suppose the positive spin on this is that it finally gives Rodwell his chance to prove if he is going to be good enough. Rodwell's had potential for years. For years he's been talked about as a future England player, yet he struggles to get 20 games a season. Maybe this is the chance for him to step up, for Ross Barkley to stake his claim. I'm still gutted to lose Arteta, but it makes sense in a way and no Evertonian can really begrudge him his move. He's getting the chance of Champions League football and, at 29, it could be his last chance at really getting to play at the top level of club football. I'd have loved for him to have gotten Everton back to that level but the problems at Everton are to be saved for another blog. I'm just going to go out and say how sorry I feel for David Moyes. The guy has an impossible task.


And stop. Death breath. I can feel myself going off on another rant. Right, time to wrap this up. The Odeon is calling me so I best get my shit together, grab a quick shower, possibly a KFC, and get myself to the cinema.


And that was the end of his first blog...